Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
I think this should do it.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.