me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You Might Also Like
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.