Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

These are my emotional support Pringles.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.