Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog