Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”