Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*