Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

monday

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?