Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

Oh we’ve met.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Me when I’m ovulating

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.