Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

motivation

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

termite twitter scares me

True statement👍😏😁

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

#IWishIHadNever noticed

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.