me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
getting seasonal up in here
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.