Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.