Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

A short story about romance.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*