Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
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*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting