Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
You Might Also Like
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Okay this one takes it home
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.