Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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There is no try. There is only give up.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
December birthdays be like…
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news