Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?