Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring