Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.