Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
When libraries troll their patrons.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”