@ArfMeasures

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

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@rickolantern

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

@junejuly12

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

@SteveSuckington

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?

@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

@a_man_named_JED

School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free

@patnspankme

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

@sirmunchie

Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.

@abraveturtle

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single