Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Yes my dude

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

How many calories are in Twitter beef?