Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Never forget.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*offers Batman cough drops*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.