Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂