Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I feel like Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” describes how a woman’s chin hair grows back.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
grandparents are too precious for this world
