Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.