Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

#Caturday

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours