Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

neighborhood watch

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

Bit chilly again tonight.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

every man in east london

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”