Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.