Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

what day is it?

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

thinking about this

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Body by cheese-puffs.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.