me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Monday?
No. Next question.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok