Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’M CRYINGGG
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
