Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!