Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.