Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

*mops up wine with cat*

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.