Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Good morning
New nose
Goodnight 🐶
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.