Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
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[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
haha same
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks