Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
and now we wait
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
