Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?