Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.