Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
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WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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