ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?