ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
good for her
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.