Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

That de-escalated quickly

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.