Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.