Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

what do you want!!!!!!!!