@truegritrumble

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

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@dalykyle

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

@lovejulieacafe

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@GloriaFallon123

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

@MouthyMess

Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

@GibJimson

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@HiddleDeeDee

I accidentally flushed a public toilet with my hand instead of my foot. I may be dying now.