Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…
me: wait for what
I accidentally flushed a public toilet with my hand instead of my foot. I may be dying now.