ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.