Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

dead inside

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.