Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

our love story in four pictures

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.