Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie