Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG