me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
You Might Also Like
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.