Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

shakira sharkira

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

Very good! 👍😂

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out