Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

We’re all getting idioter.

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.