Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)