Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Don’t make me out nice you.

c’mon!

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

I just watched a documentary about beavers.

Best dam show I’ve ever seen

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that