Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…