Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.