Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

we did it you guys we saved daylight

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

I am a gravy boat captain