Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

I told my vodka about you.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great