Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.