Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.