Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
You Might Also Like
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
hackers play passwordle
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french