Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?