Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

here we go again

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you