me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.