Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

I don’t get marriage

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle