Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE