Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
You Might Also Like
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
me and the Superbowl rn
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.