Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

thinking about a very short hotdog

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs